ReBlogged.

Dear Instagram Video User,

This update is so cool, right? I mean, who knew 15 seconds of this cat playing with a ball could be so enthralling? (Yeah, Vine did the same thing, but it was only 6 seconds: #fail.) Yes, you’ll probably want to Instagram Video everything from now on. Sunsets! Flowers! Waffles! Who wants to be Ansel Adams with their iPhone when they can be Fellini? (Use the “Moon” filter.)

I’m excited for Instagram Video. I really am. When done right, it’s like making one of those moving Harry Potter portraits. And some things like babies, baristas, and, yes, kittens are just better as videos. When done wrong—and if my feed is any indication most Instagram videos fall in the wrong category—they turn your phone into a rectangle of nausea. Shaky videos of still objects. Shaky videos of shaky objects. But mostly, shaky videos of people doing absolutely nothing.

Instagram video has only been out for a few hours now, but unlike with Vine, everyone is on Instagram, and my feed is already clogged with crap; it already feels like it’s time for a correction course. An etiquette guide of sorts. Here’s some rules to follow so you won’t be, ahem, unfollowed:

1. Chill. The. Heck. Out.
You are allowed one and only one test video of the stuff on your desk, or your hand waving in front of the camera, or the dude who walked into your office to tell you about Instagram Video. But that’s it. No more videos of nothing.

2. Steady the Phone
Blurry picture of your Chipotle burrito? Some people will tolerate it. No real harm done. But blurry, vibrating video of some dude on a unicycle? That’s just a road to vomit city for all of your followers. Those age-old camera-steadying techniques—leaning against something solid, gripping with both hands—are even more important with video.

3. Filters Don’t Make Everything Better
It’s a rule you should have taken to heart with your photos, and it applies to video as well. A crappy video with a filter does not make it a better video. You’re on planet earth in 2013. Your videos shouldn’t look like they were shot on Mars, or in 1925.

4. Don’t Be a Douch
It’s one thing to take impromptu snapshots of your crazy friends and post them on your feed—they look happy and glamorous! Crazy videos, or footage of anyone who doesn’t know they’re being filmed, isn’t very classy. Don’t turn Instagram into TMZ.

5. Stop using Instagram Video
Not everything needs to be a video, you know. The beauty of Instagram is that a picture can equal 1,000 words, and you can absorb all of it in the blink of an eye. Clogging people’s feeds with 15-second snippets of things that should’ve in a photograph just makes Instagram a chore—just like, I don’t know, Facebook?

That’s all the tips I have for now. Got to go make Instagram Videos of all of my Vines now. TTYL.

Your pal,
Kevin

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